RETARDOPHOBIA

I should prewarn you that you will think me an asshole beast after this, but hey, I am who I am....so...for a long time...as a younger person, NOT NOW...I used to be afraid of retarded people.
Not the ones with the little scrunchy faces, no, I think they are soooo cute. Its the ones that walk like George Jefferson.
I know. I know. What an asshole, but I have had several incidents which have fueled my phobia...and by incidents I mean violations. These violations have shaken me so deeply to the core that I once stood in front of my mirror with a pair of scissors like Jodie Foster in The Accussed...but then thought...you REALLY have to know how to cut curly hair. Here are the instances and then perhaps you will judge me less for my phobia.
1. In 1994, I was working at Pier 1 Imports (which always smells like eucalyptus) and I had to ring up this lady and her challenged son. He was the kind that curls up in a chair, but not with hot cocoa if you get my meanin'. She was playing this little game where she was having him pay me. I was a little apprehensive, but collected the money from him and then handed him the bag. As I was handing him his change back, the mother ordered him to say "thank you". As he said the words...a pool of drool fell from his mouth onto my wrist. She just giggled and wheeled him away. I waited until they were gone to Windex my entire arm as vomit burped up into my mouth.
2. In 1995, I was having lunch at Kenny Roger's Roasters with friends. I got up to go to the bathroom and went to one of the two urinals. I began to pee when a mentally challenged young man approached the urinal next to mine. Just breathe. I repeated those words in my head over and over (in Drew Barrymore's comforting voice). I was almost done when suddenly the young man turned his head toward me and let out a Chewbacca yelp...do you know what I mean? It had a gargle to it. I quickly put my penis back which was still mid-pee and ran out.
3. In 1997, I was working as a cashier in an enclosed box office of Regal Cinemas. I was asked to work early one Thursday morning. As I stood alone in my maroon vest wondering why I was there, a short yellow bus pulled up. I froze as an army of young challenged ones made their way toward me. I later found out that I was to show them how I sold movie tickets. They all crammed into the box office space with me. I maintained. I said, "Is everyone ready to learn how to sell a ticket?" and they all moaned, "yay". One young lady was so excited she outstretched her arms and she and her backpack fell backwards...onto me. Like a turtle on its back with flapping limbs, she lay...on top of me...as I tried not to cry.
4. In 1999, I was on my lunch break at Warner Bros. Studio Store on 5th ave in NYC. I always ate out, but decided to sit in the break room which was empty...when in walked a young lady from the 4th floor. She was a Hasidic Jew downs syndrome woman. She had a pack of fresh panties in her file due to several accidental toots in her undies. Honestly, what I mosted feared was her wig...until she sat across from me with a large bulge of aluminum foil. She unwrapped it to reveal a monstrous turkey leg. She began to devour it with grunts of pleasure...when without warning she stopped to utter a quiet, "uh-oh". She then upchucked the turkey back into the foil. I got up and walked slowly to the door. I paused and asked without turning if she was ok. She said she was and I ran...I ran with all the fury of Forest Gump.

So don't judge my phobia. It is legitimate. I'm not proud of it...but I own it. It is real. When I saw The Other Sister, I thought it a horror film. For those of you who think I'm evil...ponder this: at least half of the people I've told any of those stories to have wished upon me to have retarded children. Like they have the power to curse. How rude. My mother says having a down syndrome child would be a blessing because they are so full of love. I'm adopting.